First day of class..

Yeah my first day started out pretty tough.. I waited for you at the gate like I said I would.. I waited for you for.. like an hour.. but still you didn't came.. No don't be sorry.. I completely understand.. Its always like that.. I cant change that.. that's totally you.. the one who always made me look like a fool.. but I'm not saying your doing it on purpose.. Yeah I tolerate you.. Every time this happened in the past I just said Its okay.. but deep inside I'm hurt.. I know things happen.. That's not your fault..

Also.. Yesterday.. I chatted you when our paths came a cross while we were both online on yahoo messenger.. I begged you.. I pleaded.. I swallowed my pride.. I was the one who stood down.. but still you didn't talk to me in an educated matter.. How would you feel if you asked someone.. and all she says is "k"... or.. "ahw".. or... "tan.awn".. do you think that's right?... I really don't enjoy being treated that way you for one should know.. its like you don't even respect me.. I'm upset once again.. Why?? for how I wanted us to talk about this.. but you just don't consider.. how I ate my pride and stood down to you.. even If I was the one who got hurt by everything you did I still wanted us to work this out.. Even after everything you said I still came and sort of said "I still want you in spite what you did..
you just don't care anymore do you?

In the past its like you really know me.. but I guess you never did.. you know how sentimental I can get.. and how I would try to work things out.. but I have limits.. I'm only human! Still you insist to be driven by your stubbornness and indecisiveness.. I really can live with the things you try to instill.. You know what.. everything you ever said was really so deceiving .. congrats!! you really fooled me.. you got me.. or may be I just took you too seriously..

And just this evening.. you sent me a message that you want us to talk.. bullshit!!.. You think its that easy? Maybe for you.. because your just plain insensitive and indecisive.. our situation is worst than ever.. You just don't consider my feelings anymore.. why the hell won't you ponder on what you've done?

"Kita nako aning salidaa!! Mao ra gihapon ma.usab gihapon umong mga sah.. ky you don't internalize or even take time to ponder on it! all you want is to feed your one sided self with the things that you want! disregarding of the consequences that might arise from your immature thinking!.. I thought you were different.. I guess your just the same as the others.. and to think you even said that you cared.." ;'(

Ponder on this! "Changes don't just come about.. you make them your self!.." and now what? your gonna say that wasn't you? and you just got carried away? I'm may look like an insensitive bastard but I'm not blind.. I too have feelings.. Don't let your gluttonous deeds take the best of you.. It was you who changed! not me! I remained to be the one that you came to love! and instead I am improving myself to become the best for you!.. You don't have to give me any reason.. Your luck just ran out.. you need to think.. and..


Win me back..

So Unfair..

Just yesterday my special friend came to a very premature and for me a very selfish conclusion.. She told me things that were really painful for my part.. she told me that "I" was making things hard for her!!! and how I gave her problems?? THE HELL! She even told me that I too was becoming a hindrance to her studies and the likes.. I could help but feel upset.. Well I somehow sort of.. became angry.. I could not restrain myself of thoughts that would ponder negative things to my mind... And you know what?? She told me the other day that someone was courting her.. Man and she was not glad of my reaction... Hmp.. I don't wanna curse anymore... So I just kept myself cool with the people around me and lie convincingly of what I actually felt.. And I was wondering "WHY?" why did it have to reach at that point.. to let a guy develop a feeling for her.. for in fact she actually says "your the best thing that has ever happened to me", "I love you and don't forget it". I'm so upset right now.. I cant bear the pain and the tears that I am trying to hold back.. I know I shouldn't hold back the tears.. but somehow they just flow out of my eyes everytime I go to sleep.. Sometimes I think that "I deserve someone better, I dont have to deal with all of this bullshit.. I know someone is out there that might actually treat me right..". Whenever I hear her that someone is confessing to her about what they feel for her.. I feel really upset.. I sometimes infer that what she is doing is just like two timing.. Why? because you allow your self to develop a closeness that has to reach that certain point.. Would you be happy if someone you loved had another who has developed and confessed his/her feelings to the one you love?.. If thats what she wants then thats what I'll give her.. She restricts me to have any communication with my X whom she is jealous of .. but look! what is she doing behind my back... Right now I really dont want to have any ties between her.. She is so unfair... She tells me that I give her problems and I make things hard for her.. and that I would be a potential hindrance to her studies!!! She never even asked to asked about my problems.. and how I had to carry everthing on my shoulders because I dont depend fully on my parents.. She saw me as a potential hindrance.. but I saw her as an inspiration.. maybe people are just like that.. They dont seem to know how much you sacrifice just to make that person feel she is one of your main priorities.. and how I never murmured on problems and other obstacles.. because I believed I mean she made me believe that she.. was not like the rest.. that she would actually be worth it.. and no matter what difficulties I encountered I overcame them.. because for the first time in my life.. I actually had given my trust and faith to a mere mortal... While I am writing this blog.. I cant help bit notice the watery eyes that I have right now.. but anyways.. I just hope she realizes that I am just a human being.. and that I too have limits.. I am not saying that I am quitting.. Im just saying I hope she too would understand what I sometimes may feel about what she is doing.. Women can be so insensitive at times.. They always say that men are so insensitive but there they are talking words without restrain that might actually hurt someone.. I guess this is just not the thing for me, as I've also experienced with my X I hope the day would come that someone might acutally be there and would care of what I might actually feel... Not just being inconsiderate and insensitive of their actions... ;'( If she thinks this is for the best then so be it... If she stays and keeps on doing things behind my back then I DONT REALLY CARE.. If she is steadily doing that behind me then I won't be a martyr for her thats not me.. She is just so immature.. Sometimes I cant help but to feel regret..


Yeah and last week.. She also made something.. She actually made me feel worthless.. I sent her a message maybe last April: "A day will come that I would stop loving the one that I love.. Not because she started hating me ... but actually made me feel worthless.." That quote was so true to me even in the past.. I really don't care of the hardships we might encounter... I can cope with that.. but making me feel worthless.. thats too much.. I just hope she learns... If she decides to go with the other guys then go.. Lets just see if they will actually treat you right!! You just dont know how much visual temptations I have to face each day and reject all of them because I love you so much.. I try to be the best for you and I gave you my best but it seems that you dont actually feel the same.. Is this just a game to you?.. sorry to disappoint you.. but I'm not like the other guys.. I dont want to play games... because I'm afraid I might hurt someone.. You just dont understand... You what... I dont blame you for not commiting to me... but let me tell you this.. "Sometimes the people we are afraid to commit to.. are the people who actually know the meaning of it.." They say women are emotional.. but your actually not.. your insensitive... I hope someone would give me unconditional platonic love.. ;'( So upset right now.


Your afraid to take risks... your afraid to fight for me... but I'm not pressuring you... thats your choice and I respect that.. but is it just because your afraid? or is it that you dont actually feel that way for me.. thats why you wont fight for me... Its your choice... you have everything to gain.. and everything to lose...

When we fall inlove, we always wish that the feeling would mutually grow and stay forever.. but somteimes.. no matter how perfect a relationshp mayseem.. people change and forget their promises forever... life is so efffing unfair... ;'(